Right Reason for Adoption

What do adoption and Natural Family Planning have in common? They are both methods for planning one's family and for receiving the gift of children. However, the other thing they have in common is the requirement for a good intention in order for their use to be morally good. Could adoption every be considered an evil choice?

The obvious answer to the above question is yes. Certainly someone who adopts a child with the intention of molesting or selling him or her would be committing an evil act in adopting. However, what about the everyday family who adopts out of a desire to have another child? I may not go so far as calling such an adoption evil. However, shallow or selfish intentions can certainly creep into a decision to adopt a child that can tarnish this awesome act of love.

In the January/February 2007 issue of Adoptive Families Theresa Reid, Ph.D. discusses the difficult decision whether or not to adopt a second time in her article "Adopts Again?" She explains,

Like biological parents considering a second child, adopters need to weigh many considerations – whether we’ll be able to love another child as much as we love our first, our ages, the expense – all the questions biological parents weigh, and then some. But what pushes most second-time adopters past all uncertainty is the desire to raise another child.” I so was determined to do it again as soon as I could,” says Emily Breeden, of Oregon. Susan Olson, of Colorado, and her husband agree. Despite qualms about their ages – Susan is 44 and her husband is 57 – they’re planning a second adoption. “For us, the overriding reason is the joy we get from parenting” (31).

Much of this statement is very legitimate. Couples thinking of expanding their families do have a lot to think about. Ages of the parents and the expense of adoption and of raising a child may be morally legitimate reasons for choosing not to adopt another child. However, they can also be selfish intentions not to adopt. If the expense is a road block because you want to use your financial blessings for self-pampering, using your money to adopt another child would certainly be better use of it. If your consideration of age is that you are not healthy enough to chase after another child, it can be a morally legitimate reason for considering your family large enough. However, if your consideration of age is because you want enough retirement years to take your cruise around the world, perhaps using your time would be better used raising another child. What’s the big deal? Why shouldn’t a couple decide to use their time and money to enjoy themselves? Because we are called to love, we will only find our fulfillment in giving ourselves to others as a gift. What better way to offer yourself as a gift of love than to invest yourself in the life and eternal destiny of another human being as a mother or father? In the long run, what will make our lives more fulfilled? Buying a new car? Taking a long cruise? Or will you find your fulfillment in the investment of life and love into the life of a child?

What do you make of statements like, “I don’t know if I’ll be able to love another child like I love my first”? I find such statements perplexing. There seems to be a bit of confusion about what exactly love is. My guess is that most people, if they really though about it, would define love as an emotional state of bonding or closeness. Dr. Reid confirms my suspicion as she explains, “They worry that it won’t be as easy to bond with a second child, or that the relationship they have with their first might be upset by a new addition to the family” (31). What is love, though? Love has many levels or dimensions to it. Emotional love, as is being described here, is the emotional recognition of something good. This kind of love is not sufficient to constitute familial love, or even true human love. First of all, emotional love (also called “erotic love” – not necessarily sexual) is selfish. It looks toward how the good can benefit me. I think this is the main problem I have with basing a family planning decision on this kind of love. Is parenthood really about feeling good as a parent? Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the warm fuzzy feeling I get when my 10 month old daughter cuddles into my shoulder. But is such a feeling really a good reason to have children? Ask yourself, “Can a selfish parent be a good parent?” The second reason emotional love is insufficient is because it is temporary. Like all emotions, love waxes and wanes with our circumstances, energy levels, and attitudes. If I adopt a child in the hopes of gaining warm fuzzy loving feelings, what happens when parenting two children becomes more stressful than enjoyable? Do I stop loving my children? Finally, emotional love can be deceiving. It is possible not to feel emotional about something that is objectively good. It is also possible to feel emotional love for something that is objectively bad. I may feel like I could love another child despite the fact that my circumstances would make it impossible. I may not feel like I could love another child, even though having another child would be very good. We cannot rely on our emotions. A much better understanding of love is “To will the good of another.” This is the kind of love families are founded on. We become parents, not for our benefit, but because we want to share the goodness that has grown in our marriage and in our home. We want another life to benefit from the goodness that we have gained. The best understanding of love is the definition of love that Christ gave us. “No greater love is there than this: to lay down one’s life for a friend.” To give ourselves to others as a total gift is what Christian love is all about. We are called by Christ to be completely selfless, to give away our very lives. This kind of love is not altruism. We are able to give ourselves away completely because we know that the reward for doing so will be great. Love has great rewards, the greatest of which is participation in God’s divine life. Pope John Paul II, borrowing from the Second Vatican Council, says, “Man comes to fully know himself only by making a gift of himself to others.”

Dr. Reid handled the issues she brought up with a great deal of grace. I was impressed with most of her answers, and placid about the rest. She was not writing from a Christian point-of-view in her article. Adoptive Families is not a Christian publication. So, while her answers reflected my thoughts in this blog entry pretty closely, she seemed to accept that the fear of not being able to love another child as much as the first child as a legitimate concern. To me, it is a sign of a culture that needs to learn what true love really is.

Rampage time: the most odious statement in this article came from the author’s mother-in-law. Dr. Reid used this quotation to open her article:

“Oh, you guys,’ my mother-in-law fretted when she learned that my husband, Marc, and I had started out to adopt a second child. ‘Look what you have! You’ll never get another child as wonderful as Natalie! Why not just be happy?”

Yikes! What exactly is this woman saying! I can’t even begin to understand where such a statement comes from. It just screams “It’s all about me!” You see, the nature of love is to expand. If we are really loving like families should, our love should grow to encompass as many people as it can. It’s not about getting wonderful children. It’s about participating in the life and eternal destiny of a human person. It’s not about enjoying parenthood (not saying that you can’t or shouldn’t enjoy parenthood, just don’t make that your reason for doing it), it’s about making yourself a gift of love!