Marriage the Impossible Ideal
Today my wife and I celebrate our ninth wedding anniversary, so I thought I write a bit about marriage. Marriage holds a strange place in modern society. On one hand, it is assumed to be an impossible ideal. To commit yourself to selflessly love one person for the rest of your life is seen as a ridiculous shackle on freedom. On the other hand, it is still an ideal that even the most clueless of lovers still aspire to. You should see most of the couples coming to our marriage preparation classes – living together, barely remembering the definition of sacrament from their catechesis program, scornful of the Church’s teachings on sexuality and contraception, materialistic, already planning how to be married have their 1.3 children and still live a bachelor lifestyle. Yet, here they are – seeking to get married in the Catholic Church because they somehow still see some value in the sacrament.
After nine years of marriage and two and a half years of fatherhood, I can actually understand both attitudes. Our second child is not the easy baby that our first child was. My wife and I are both struggling to sacrifice the freedoms that we enjoyed up to this point in our lives for the sake of our clinging, crabby son. Putting up with the constant demands of a two year old and an eleven month old is a strain on our sanity. Come to think of it, putting up with each other can strain our patience many days. By our culture’s standards of autonomy and licentiousness my wife and I are giving up everything that is supposed to make us happy.
Whenever I become tempted to “want out” of my vocation to family, I just think of myself back in the singles scene. Life isn’t much like MTV’s many “reality” shows, wherein people can just “hook up” with each other whenever they want. I had a difficult enough time getting dates when I was young and comparatively more attractive. Now that I am approaching middle age, I don’t stand much of a chance. Besides, the happiness I envision outside of my marriage is nothing more than the pipe dream sold to us by the sexual revolution. That is why these clueless young people seek to get married in the Church. They are disillusioned with the dream of sexual freedom – talk about an impossible ideal! Happiness just can’t come from using others and being used by others for sexual pleasure.
To tell the truth, temptations aside, my wife and I couldn’t be happier. Not emotionally happy – we’re frankly too exhausted most days to be emotionally happy. I’m talking about the deep-down satisfaction that comes with knowing that we are investing our lives into something glorious. We are investing as much love as we can into two little lives that will live forever – and that have the potential with our help to live forever in eternal bliss with our Heavenly Father (and hopefully with us, too!). We are still investing our love in each other, trying to get each other to heaven. What career or swinging lifestyle could fulfill us more than that?
Loving others is difficult. Selfishness is always easier. Yet, we must always remember that love is a two-way street. Christians are not called to altruism. We are called to give and to receive love. My wife is my constant companion. She is my support, my source of validation, my friend as well as my lover. Even when we are tired and crabby at each other. I can rest secure in the sea of love that is my family. Who could love me more than my wife with her silently blown kisses every day, or my two year old daughter who announces proudly, “Daddy awake!” whenever she hears me blow my nose in the morning, or my son who giggles and pours on the speed as he crawls over to my pants leg to intercept my dogged plod toward the coffee maker?
People often tell me, “Hang in there. Your children are at a tough age. It will get better.” I like to hear that. Yet, I remind myself that my circumstances really don’t need to get better. I need to get better. I need to learn to be less selfish and to love more than I do now. I need to not get so upset when my crabby son interrupts the flow of my day. I need to learn to graciously take the time to dance with my daughter to “Ring Around the Rosy” for the tenth time in a row instead of seeking a way out. I need to find the energy to greet my wife with joy when she comes home from work. It is I who need to get better. My life is pretty darn good as it is.
Happy anniversary, sweetheart. And many more.
After nine years of marriage and two and a half years of fatherhood, I can actually understand both attitudes. Our second child is not the easy baby that our first child was. My wife and I are both struggling to sacrifice the freedoms that we enjoyed up to this point in our lives for the sake of our clinging, crabby son. Putting up with the constant demands of a two year old and an eleven month old is a strain on our sanity. Come to think of it, putting up with each other can strain our patience many days. By our culture’s standards of autonomy and licentiousness my wife and I are giving up everything that is supposed to make us happy.
Whenever I become tempted to “want out” of my vocation to family, I just think of myself back in the singles scene. Life isn’t much like MTV’s many “reality” shows, wherein people can just “hook up” with each other whenever they want. I had a difficult enough time getting dates when I was young and comparatively more attractive. Now that I am approaching middle age, I don’t stand much of a chance. Besides, the happiness I envision outside of my marriage is nothing more than the pipe dream sold to us by the sexual revolution. That is why these clueless young people seek to get married in the Church. They are disillusioned with the dream of sexual freedom – talk about an impossible ideal! Happiness just can’t come from using others and being used by others for sexual pleasure.
To tell the truth, temptations aside, my wife and I couldn’t be happier. Not emotionally happy – we’re frankly too exhausted most days to be emotionally happy. I’m talking about the deep-down satisfaction that comes with knowing that we are investing our lives into something glorious. We are investing as much love as we can into two little lives that will live forever – and that have the potential with our help to live forever in eternal bliss with our Heavenly Father (and hopefully with us, too!). We are still investing our love in each other, trying to get each other to heaven. What career or swinging lifestyle could fulfill us more than that?
Loving others is difficult. Selfishness is always easier. Yet, we must always remember that love is a two-way street. Christians are not called to altruism. We are called to give and to receive love. My wife is my constant companion. She is my support, my source of validation, my friend as well as my lover. Even when we are tired and crabby at each other. I can rest secure in the sea of love that is my family. Who could love me more than my wife with her silently blown kisses every day, or my two year old daughter who announces proudly, “Daddy awake!” whenever she hears me blow my nose in the morning, or my son who giggles and pours on the speed as he crawls over to my pants leg to intercept my dogged plod toward the coffee maker?
People often tell me, “Hang in there. Your children are at a tough age. It will get better.” I like to hear that. Yet, I remind myself that my circumstances really don’t need to get better. I need to get better. I need to learn to be less selfish and to love more than I do now. I need to not get so upset when my crabby son interrupts the flow of my day. I need to learn to graciously take the time to dance with my daughter to “Ring Around the Rosy” for the tenth time in a row instead of seeking a way out. I need to find the energy to greet my wife with joy when she comes home from work. It is I who need to get better. My life is pretty darn good as it is.
Happy anniversary, sweetheart. And many more.
posted by Jeffrey | Thursday, June 19, 2008
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