Being a Parent Means Taking Responsibility

Children are eating more junk food and who is to blame? Advertisers, apparently. Check out this quotation from an article in U.S. News and World Report:

USNews.com: Selling kids cereal with sugar and toys

Harvard psychologist Susan Linn calls it "running the gantlet"--negotiating supermarket aisles filled with products heavily marketed to children. Today, in the face of a huge increase in childhood obesity, kids are bombarded by an unprecedented avalanche of food advertising. Indeed, food marketing aimed at children increased from $6.9 billion in 1992 to $15 billion in 2002.

The question I want to ask is, "Why does the advertising work?" Here is a clue:

"What the marketers want to do is get kids to nag their parents for the food, for the toys," says Linn, associate director of the media center at Judge Baker Children's Center in Boston. A 1998 study on the "Nag Factor" showed that 1 in every 3 visits to a fast-food outlet was attributable to children's begging.

Here's another question. Why are parents allowing their children to become victims of advertising rather than teaching them the virtues of prudence and temperance? If television advertising is brainwashing our kids into thinking they need to eat unhealthy foods, shouldn't we control the television they watch and teach them how to analyze advertising? If our children's appetite for sugar and fat is increasing, don't we have the obligation to say no to them? Don't we have the obligation to make them eat healthy foods?

How can the virtues of prudence and temperance help? Prudence is the ability to discern the greatest good and to make a plan to attain it. In this case, the greatest good would be the proper, healthful use of food. Helping children to grow in virtue would mean teaching them about good health, about the dangers of too much junk food, about the ways advertising tries to attract their appetites, and how to develop eating habits that allow for fun and health. Temperance is the virtue to help us balance our physical appetites. It helps us to enjoy physical goods and pleasures, including food, drink and sex, without over-indulging in them and without becoming slaves to our desires. This virtue is commonly known as self-control.

I know, it's not easy to do. My daughter is only 13 months old and I can already see that guiding her to virtue is going to be a challenge. However, I also know that I have the right and the responsibility to help her grow in virtue. Teaching prudence requires more than giving our kids lessons in healthy decision making. It also means being vigilant for teachable moments to give our children opportunities to practice good decision making. Teaching temperance means using discipline to help our children develop self-discipline. This means telling our children "no" firmly and consistently as we go through the "gantlet" and dealing with the wining and temper tantrums that result.

It's not easy, but it is our responsibility as parents. What is the consequence if we do not? We damage our children, and we damage our own identity as parents:

Before he ever saw children's commercial television, says Foster, Morgan ate multigrain cereal for breakfast with fruit juice to drink. "Now, I've had to buy Scooby-Doo Cinnamon Marshmallow Cereal with Scooby-shaped pieces," says Foster, "and when I ask if he wants milk or juice with dinner, he slips in, `I'll have a soda.' He was so excited when he found this new world of products. But for me," she sighs, "I feel like I've given in."

She had to buy Scooby-Doo Cinnamon Marshmallow Cereal with Scooby-shaped pieces? Why did she have to? What forced her? Her son? Who has the power here? Who has the responsibility? Who is the adult? As parents, we need to do a better job of taking responsibility for the well-being of our children. If we don't, then we will not only be giving in, we will be selling out.

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Parenting, science and feminism

USNews.com: Has a century of child-raising advice taught us anything? Expert opinions through the years



Dr. Ray Guarendi is right! Not that I needed U.S. News World Report to tell me that. However, I find this article very interesting. Dr. Ray claims that parenting experts have ruined parenting by making parents paranoid that they might permanently damage their children, maybe even causing them to appear on Jerry Springer to reveal tot he world why they are so messed up. According to Dr. Ray, parents need only to have love for their children, a good moral compass and a firm, consistent hand in discipline. Author Rachel Hartigan Shea agrees.

But by the 1920s, one mother was so overwhelmed with child-care instruction that she confessed, "I try to do just what you say, but I am a nervous wreck just trying to be calm." Indeed, the "century introduced a vision of children and of child rearing that entailed a new kind of vigilance," says Ann Hulbert, author of the new book Raising America: Experts, Parents, and a Century of Advice About Children. It also introduced the idea that a good parent is, by definition, an anxious one.

American parents hadn't used to rely heavily on experts, but much in the 20th century was so new that old standbys--grandmothers and religion--seemed to have lost relevance. With more than half of Americans living in cities in 1920 (up from a third in 1890), adults led very different lives from their own parents'. And they were enamored of the idea that science could improve child rearing as it had improved everything else. "It is childhood's teachableness that has enabled man to overcome heredity with history," declared one turn-of-the-century expert.

Isn't it interesting that foresaking faith and family led to feelings of guilt and anxiety? Embracing the enlightenment ideals of scientific progress led to paranoia and feelings of inadequacy. The rub is that most of the so-called scientific advice was based on flimsy science. The desire to be scientific outstripped the ability. Today, over 100 years later, not much has changed. There are some scientific gems - I am especially fond of Erik Erikson's psychosocial stages of development and the theories on bonding - but by and large parenting advice is more political than scientific.

While this article makes some good points, it makes some questionable assumptions.

Women's status was changing, too. The move away from farms freed women from a lot of household labor--and from having to give birth to enough farmhands to keep the crops going. Women were even heading off to college, but since motherhood was still regarded as the only true feminine vocation, experts worried about how to make it palatable to these educated women. The answer, supplied by pioneers in the new fields of pediatrics and psychology, was to professionalize motherhood. Under the guidance of Holt and Hall, and later John Watson and Arnold Gesell, mothers were to put aside instinct and become scientific examiners of their children's behavior. (Fathers, it should be noted, were barely mentioned.) Holt required women to learn the latest research on nutritional matters and adhere to strict feeding schedules, while Hall deputized mothers as his research assistants by issuing lengthy questionnaires on everything from "doll passion" to religious experiences. Gesell issued color-coded charts for tracking urination, playtime, feeding, and weight; anthropologist Margaret Mead's mother (a devout Holtian) filled 13 volumes on little Margaret's development.

These claims are not completely ficticious. Yes, women's roles did change with the shift from rural to urban populations. It is also true that psychologists encouraged women to become scientific observers of their children. However, I question the assumption that the professional advice to scientifically study their children was an attempt to professionalize motherhood because motherhood was teh only palatable vocation for women. In fact, Dr. Malcolm W. Watson of Brandeis University teaches that the focus on scientific parenting came from evolving theories of childhood, not from an attempt to perpetuate gender stereotypes. Isn't it interesting that the same author that points out the myth of parenting experts so uncritically embraces a feminist myth of female persecution?

Wanted: Secret Society

The Secret Society is wanted for the kidnapping and brutal slaying of family relationships. They have murdered parental authority and still hold sibling relationships captive.

The most heinous murderer of teenage holiness is the culture’s current attitude toward adolescence. In most cultures, adolescence is not a separate, divided social class as it is in the western world. Studies have shown that most adolescents in non-western cultures do not experience the feelings of alienation and angst that our teens do. American culture has made adolescence into a secret society into which adults dare not tread. One parent related a story about going to the movie “American Pie” with his son. “That was not a movie to attend with your teenaged son,” he commented. When I responded that I had heard it was not exactly a “family friendly” movie, he answered, “Well, that’s the kind of movie kids watch today, but it’s not one parents should see with them.” This father was not criticizing the movie because it was inappropriate for a Catholic to watch. He was declaring that he had trespassed into the forbidden culture of his son.

The cornerstone of this wall of separation – more impregnable than any physical or political wall in history – is the media. Teenaged media outlets such as MTV, companies that market directly to teens such as Abercrombie & Fitch, and the music and entertainment industries work together to create a culture where adults are as unwelcome as they are out of place. And parents have received the message loud and clear. If you ask any parent to recite the lyrics of the music their teenaged children listen to, you are likely to receive a vague response such as, “I don’t know. I can’t listen to that junk.” The result is that adolescents are left adrift without guidance or standards to judge the culture around them, and they all too often fall prey to the worldly and materialistic snares that await them. Unfortunately, the adult reaction to this separation is to retreat our of apathy or fear, or to attempt to isolate their families from the culture. I believe both of these reactions are mistaken.

Lumen Gentium from the Second Ecumenical Vatican Council reminds us that the vocation of the laity is to engage the culture in order to transform it. The transformed culture should remind us of God’s goodness and make it easier to live holy lives. This transformation cannot take place if God’s people blindly accept human culture as it is shaped by secular, materialistic concerns, nor if they blindly reject all of human culture because parts of it have been corrupted. Transformation of culture results from God’s people actively interacting with culture, accepting what is good and rejecting or changing what is evil. Teenagers, lacking mature wisdom, need the help adults who have experience making such judgments.

I do not believe the idea that teenagers outgrow their families, or that they need to rebel. I firmly believe that if families work on fostering close relationships while the children are young, and continue to work on developing those relationships through the children’s adolescent years, families will remain close. Oscar Wilde is quoted saying, “Children will love home if home is the most fun place to be.” Many of my students enjoy loving relationships with their families and look up to their parents with respect. Their family remains a clear guide in the world. These children are also the ones who are more likely to show clear signs of holiness.

The solution to all of these dangers to holiness lies in the same place – the family. Although they will deny it until they turn six shades of purple, teenagers desperately need strong family structure. Even though adolescents pride themselves on being fiercely independent, the classroom walls resound with the opinions, philosophies, and attitudes of the world around them, soaked up as water in a sponge wrung out in the guise of their own. If the family does not guide what the teenager soaks up, media and “teen culture” will. Families need to be strengthened. I often question the effectiveness of “youth ministry.” After all, does a separate ministry for youth not feed the isolated youth culture? In my experience, that is exactly what it does. Would it not be more effective for the Church to reach out to the entire family? The Church needs to support and equip families to lead children to holiness. In the end, however, the family will be the most effective in overcoming these barriers to holiness. Whether out of ignorance or apathy, few families seem to be actively pursuing their baptismal promises. Yes, adolescents should be well on their way to making their own responses to God’s graces, but they are not yet equipped enough to make their response completely alone. Something will influence teenagers in their decision-making. If their families do not influence them, the world will. Is holiness not too precious a treasure to risk to a world that does not know its value?

Wanted: Wild Willy

Wild Willy is wanted for the reckless murder of self-discipline and freedom. His unruly behavior has caused a lot of damage to human personalities and character formation. Willy has no regard for the needs or concerns of others. Willy is wanted for breaking the law of interdependence and social harmony.

The most difficult issue our Catholic school deals with, without a doubt, is dress code. Dress code seems to anger teachers, parents, and students without prejudice. I recently gave a talk to a small group of parents and teachers defending out dress code. From the comments and looks of appreciation I received, I think I may have opened some minds a little bit, but I doubt I softened many hearts. My main point was that the dress code was an integral part of our Catholic school mission. It is a teaching tool that teaches self-respect, respect for others, and self-discipline. It is unfortunate that terms such as these tend to elicit the polite smiles that say, “how nice of you to still believe in such idealistic notions; some day you will grow up and come to reality.” It is the same smile given to most things Catholic in a Catholic school by many teachers and parents. I say that it is unfortunate because this smile reveals that so many people have given up on these ideals when these ideals have hardly moved beyond our reach! People have assumed that self-discipline is no longer possible, or at least no longer desirable, in today’s culture. We see this same attitude when dealing with other areas of discipline in schools. Shouldn’t we give teenagers contraception instead of expecting them to control their sexual desires? Isn’t it easier to label someone with a behavioral disorder or an “oppositional defiance disorder” rather than expecting him or her to control anger and obey authority? In addition, who can deny the anti-authority messages in our music, movies, and television programs? We have lost sight of a couple of the most important and rewarding moral principles that Catholic morality has to offer us. These principles deal with the joys of self-discipline and the purpose of authority.

What is self-discipline all about, anyway? Why would it be something for which it would be worth working? The main theme of Catholic morality is to become the kind of people who habitually choose that which can bring us true, eternal happiness. Only God can bring us true, eternal happiness. All created goods either fail to perfectly satisfy, or decompose due to their temporary nature. Only God is perfect and eternal. Furthermore, God is the creator of all other good things. When we possess God, we possess the perfect source of perfect happiness, and the source of all other sources of happiness. God wants us to enjoy created goods, but in a way that does not make us selfish or enable the created good to hold power over us. When a created good becomes too important to us, our free will becomes a slave to it. Therefore, we become less free. Being self-disciplined means being able to identify and attain the greatest good in every situation. It means making constant progress toward the eternal possession of God in love. Being self-disciplined means being truly free, never enslaved by obsession over a created good. Self-discipline brings true joy in this life and perfect happiness in the eternal life of heaven. However, such lofty benefits do not make self-discipline an impossible ideal. It is a virtue that we can help each other to attain. That’s where authority comes in.

Most people readily pair the word “authority” with the word “oppression.” Authority is seen in opposition to freedom. It surprises people if they ever learn that the Catholic Church (which is often also paired with the word “oppression”) pairs “authority” with “authentic freedom.” The Church teaches us that the primary purpose of authority is to teach us self-discipline. Laws, and the authority that legislates and enforces them, lead us to the greatest authentic good. Well-balanced laws serve to protect us against our fallen human nature without destroying our freedom. We must find a balance between too little authority, which fails to guide us to the greatest good when we need guidance, and too much authority, which destroys our freedom and makes true goodness impossible. What about those times we do not understand the purpose for a law? Both civic and religious authorities often propose laws that seem to make no sense to us. If the authority is a legitimate authority and the law does not contradict that moral law it was designed to protect, then we must follow even laws that we do not understand out of respect for and trust in the authority. We must acknowledge that we do not always know what is best. Authority often has more knowledge and a greater perspective than we do. Obedience to authority flies hand-in-hand with the virtue of humility. Humility is the virtue of accurately assessing your place, neither exaggerating it nor overestimating it. Humility helps us to trust authorities placed over us instead of foolishly asserting a false kind of freedom that comes out of pride. The ability to cooperate with authority as it guides us to the greater good leads us to true freedom by teaching us to overcome our fallen human nature and choose the greater good ourselves.

In recent history, authority has been vilified. It has been judged the enemy of freedom. Parents have been told not to discipline their children for fear of stifling their natural creative impulses. Teenagers are repeatedly told to rebel against authority for the same reasons. In fact, the main complaint against the dress code is that is stifles the students’ free expression. The truth is that the dress code shapes the students’ expression to help them express what is best and most noble about themselves. Its main goal is to help students express their inner beauty instead of focusing so much on their bodies, as modern fashion does. The same is true of all authority. We must teach our children, not only to respect and honor authority, but to value it. Of course, once we learn self-discipline, we no longer need authority to tell us how to attain the greatest good. That is freedom in every sense of the word.

Wild Willy is not to be apprehended alone. Leave him to the authorities.

Wanted: Greedy Gretta

Greedy Gretta is wanted for seducing people into a meaningless lifestyle of selfishness and pettiness. Gretta seduces her victims with promises of happiness and fulfillment, then milks them for everything they have.

Material prosperity is so widespread in America today that it is almost taken for granted. Most teenagers are buying computers, stereo systems, and gadgets that are more sophisticated and expensive than I can afford with a full-time job. Most teenagers drive to school in cars that they own, usually thanks to the financial help of their parents. More and more teenagers are working part-time jobs. The result of all of this is that their expectations for material success are greatly elevated. While there is nothing wrong with material success, the Bible warns us, "If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him" (1John 2:15).
Material success is actually a good that Catholic social teaching encourages. Those with material prosperity are better able to do good in the world, to share their wealth with the poor. Financial success allows people to create jobs and fund social and technical advances. What God does not want of us is to make money and material objects our main priority, our god.

The trouble is that most teenagers have learned that material luxury is part of the American dream. The main criteria for career seems to be salary, sometimes even before career fulfillment. The first question teenagers should ask themselves is how they are being called to serve Christ and His Church. Unfortunately, this is often the last question asked. Most teenagers assume that serving God is something to be done in our free time. Career is for making money. Once this attitude is firmly implanted, a world of divided loyalties lies close behind. Religion is relegated to church and God has no place in daily life. Furthermore, teenagers learn to live self-serving lives and become petty and greedy. Is it any wonder that young people are not answering God's call to the priesthood and religious life?

It is important to teach children balance when it comes to the love of any created good. The habit of using money for the good of God's kingdom forms early, with young children's allowances. Teaching children that they each have a unique vocation, whether they are called to consecrated, ordained, or lay life, sets them up with clear criteria for choosing a career. Following God's plan for our lives is a sure way to fulfillment. Enjoying material prosperity may or may not be part of that vocation. If it is, money and material possessions will not rule, but will be used as part of service to God. If material prosperity is not part of that vocation, the lack of money will not mean lack of happiness. The focus will be on serving God in whatever condition we are in. When we give ourselves to God in this way, we are able to dedicate ourselves to a higher calling. We lose ourselves in service to others, to THE Other, and are free to truly find ourselves as children of God. Isn't that what we want for our children? Allowing them to become materialistic will condemn them to lives of dissatisfaction and petty selfishness.

Greedy Gretta is not to be trusted. She will steal your true happiness and try to replace it with inferior sources of happiness that cannot satisfy. Fortify yourself against her swindles with clear priorities and strong hope in God's promises for true and lasting happiness.

Wanted: Small Thought Sally

Summary: Small Thought Sally is an extremely dangerous con artist. She presents herself as a fun-loving, easy-going companion, but then leads her victims to intellectual decay and boredom with any activity that requires work and effort. Her crafty manipulations of her victims’ minds are as effective as any drug or cult in brainwashing people into living mediocre lives.

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Children who are not introduced to the joys of the intellectual life and encouraged in the development of intellectual habits are at a great disadvantage in the life of holiness. They face an increased chance of developing intellectual atrophy as teenagers. Intellectual atrophy leads to reliance on personal experience and feelings in order to interact with the world. While personal experience and emotions play important roles in human nature, they must be under the controlling influence of the intellect. Otherwise, they can be deceiving. For example, teenagers are often bored during the very experiences that actually have the most to offer them. A developed intellect guides us to carefully judge our emotional responses and subjective experiences before acting on them, thus not allowing them to cause us to miss out on valuable experiences because we consider them boring. Of course, misjudging an experience as boring is only one consequence of intellectual atrophy. Intellectual development contributes to deeper and better living on many levels. For example, those who have an active intellectual life tend to have more active and refined senses of humor. They are also more likely to know themselves better, and t understand human nature better. This knowledge leads to deeper and more understanding relationships. The intellectual world offers more sources for amusement and enrichment. The intellect enables us to know the truth about the world. The more we understand the world, the more we are able to find our part in it.

Most importantly, the intellectual life is important in our quest for holiness. Experience and emotions are important elements in developing a relationship with God. However, God is Truth, and we can only know Him through the intellect. God is love, and true love is not emotional but a choice of the will. It is a fact that plays out in all relationships. You cannot love what you do not know.

Parents do their children an invaluable service by encouraging an intellectual life. Teaching children to take school seriously (more seriously than sports or extracurricular activities, for example) shows that you make intellectual development a priority. Challenge your children to do more than what is necessary to get a good grade. Grades are only a partial measure of the value of an education. The image of teachers getting on the case of students who do not take grades seriously is a cliché. In my experience, I have had equal trouble with students who take grades too seriously, sacrificing true education in favor of an "A" on the transcript. These students and their parents short-change themselves as much as those who do not care about grades at all do. The important aspect of an education is the search for truth and the development of the intellectual skills that help us to find it. Another important thing that parents can do for their children is to encourage them to read. Books develop the imagination, an important intellectual ability, and engage the mind in analysis and synthesis. People who read a wide variety of material are less likely to be led astray by advertising or propaganda. They are more likely to be critical thinkers, reaping more enjoyment and personal growth out of their experiences. A habit of reading is also a source of continuous enjoyment. Learning should not be something that only takes place in school. One of the many lessons to be learned from the trend of home schooling is that families that learn together promote a love for learning in their children more effectively than any school could. Discuss deep subjects together. Participate in research, logical thinking, and debate together. Another great thing to do as a family is to take educational field trips together. If you are afraid your children will think this is boring or hokey, ask the children to become the experts on the sites you plan to visit and let them teach you. It is important that teenagers are encouraged to think and learn on a regular basis. It is also important that they see their parents doing the same.

Fortify yourself against Small Thought Sally with intellectual discipline and a love of learning. Small Thought Sally cannot stand against solid logic or authentic knowledge. Be very careful around popular entertainment and media outlets. These are her favorite hideouts. If she confronts you, do not trust her and do not give in to her. If her initial seductions fail, she will try to lure you with admonitions to “just relax and enjoy yourself” instead of thinking too much. As soon as you see her, report her whereabouts to the nearest intellectual.

WAnted: Overwhelmed Ossie

Summary: Overwhelmed Ossie is wanted for stealing family bonding time and personal energy, causing confusion in children and leading them astray, and vandalizing the internal life.

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One of the most neglected Commandments today is “Keep holy the Sabbath.” No one would argue the fact that people today are busy. Few would argue with the judgment that our business is not healthy. While business is easily identified in adults, however, it often goes unnoticed in children. Part of the reason for our inability, or perhaps our unwillingness, to see how busy our children are comes from the laudable desire to make sure they get the most from their childhood experiences. We want them to be active in sports, social events, and academic clubs. We want them to have friends in school and church. We want them to sample from the buffet of life in their childhood so that they can make better decisions as adults and have fewer regrets about experiences untried and opportunities lost. In the process, however, we have encouraged our children to fill their lives so completely that they have no time for the truly important things in life.

The first thing sacrificed on the altar of business is family bonding. Even when families strongly support the child by attending events and volunteering with parent organizations, their roles often become relegated to spectator and advocate. Families need quality time together to communicate and interact in order to stay healthy. It is in the family that children learn how to love, self-sacrifice, and serve. Most importantly, it is the primary place for children to experience the love of Christ. These necessary lessons in holiness cannot happen unless families spend real time together. It seems taken for granted today that teenagers do not want to spend time with their families. However, I find many teenagers do enjoy their families and display great affection for them. Although it is natural for teenagers to pull away from their parents to some degree in order to sort out and internalize their own values. If the habit of quality family time is established early on and firmly maintained, this time of searching does not have to result in estrangement. In fact, a teen’s bond with his or her family can provide the necessary shelter against corrupting influences in the world in order to ensure that he or she is free to choose the Catholic faith.

One thing that amazes me in the classroom is how often some students fall asleep in class. At first I was tempted to be insulted by their lack of consciousness while I taught. Then, during a lesson on the necessity and function of sleep in psychology class, the students revealed to me that they all felt that they did not have enough energy to make it through the day. Was the problem lack of sleep? Indirectly. The problem was too many expectations. Not only was their business keeping them from sleeping the requisite nine hours a night, it was forcing them to use up all of their energy before they even got home to their families. By the time they had finished school, sports or extracurricular activities and sports, and jobs, they did not have energy left over to spend on family or homework. Deficits of energy and sleep cannot be made up easily. In fact, they tend to compound. When we are tired, we do not use our energy efficiently. It takes more energy to perform the same tasks. When we are rested, we are able to accomplish more in less time and with less energy, and we enjoy life a lot more as well. Overwhelmed teenagers do not get the most out of life.

Overwhelmed lifestyles also teach the wrong priorities. God did not give us the Third Commandment for His own sake. He gave it, as He gave all the Commandments, for our own good. “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath” (Mark 2:27). Relaxation on the Sabbath helps us to keep our priorities straight. Our loving Father wants us to form our lives around eternal truths and goods. Living overwhelmed lifestyles teaches us to focus on short-term goals and pleasures. The quest for good grades, athletic success, and money becomes all-consuming. The fact that students are as busy on Sundays as they are on every other day of the week is one sign of the mixed up priorities busy schedules are teaching teenagers. Don’t we also add to the confusion when we give more praise for success in sports and extra-curricular activities than for acts of faith and charity or success in academics?

Spiritual development requires a well-developed interior life. We find God most intimately in the quiet and solitude of our hearts and minds. Spiritual development requires a well-developed interior life. God tells us, "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10). Spiritual fathers such as Saint Thomas Aquinas, Saint Francis de Sales, and Thomas Merton recommend daily prayer and reflection, frequent examination of conscience and spiritual reading. The habit of doing these quiet activities must begin in childhood. They require discipline and the ability to be comfortable in quiet and solitude. Children need space and time to grow in these abilities. An over-busy lifestyle filled with activity and noise make the development of an interior life impossible. Many high school students complain when they are required to read an entire book for class. They have music, television, or video games filling up the empty spaces in their lives whenever possible. Many students are more knowledgeable and passionate about movies and television programs than they are about literature, classic or popular. A strong interior life is a precondition of contentment and lasting happiness. Over-busy schedules offer only flashes of temporary thrills and happiness. Strong interior lives offer habits for obtaining truth and love, the elements of contentment. Truth and love lead us to God, the source of all truth and love.

If you identify Overwhelmed Ossie, the best thing to do is nothing! Stop all activity and proceed very slowly and thoughtfully. Ossie will not be able to stand the stillness and will quickly surrender.

Wanted: Directionless Joe

Summary: Directionless Joe is sneaky and often hard to identify in kids that seem to be well behaved. He is wanted for stealing the meaning out of life and for leading children away from lives of holiness (contributing to the delinquency of a minor).

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The first organ chord sounds and strong male voices fill the sanctuary with praise to the Lord in complete abandon. Can you picture it? In your mind, are all of the men dressed in monk habits? It is interesting how we have come to accept that this picture could never take place in our home parishes. Where are all of the guys at Mass? I sit at all-school Masses and watch rows of teenaged boys stand stony-faced as the girls around them carry them in song. While some teachers are tempted to blame bashfulness in the presence of girls or peer pressure in the presence of each other, I watch those same students standing stony-faced next to their statuesque fathers at Mass on Sundays. “Like father, like son” is more than a simple cliché.

The first role models are the parents. Young children absorb their parents’ actions and attitudes like sponges. Even while they seem to be rebelling against everything you stand for, adolescents look to you for guidance on what makes the list of important goals in their lives. If parents fail to make a relationship with God important in their lives, no amount of Catholic schooling or youth ministry will ever make up for the lack. If parents fail to express their love for God openly, or if they just go through the motions of religion without living out their meaning, their children will follow their lead.

The most important part of being a role model for the faith is to practice your faith with love. Pray the Mass with full, conscious participation. If you do not understand the Mass, or part of the Mass, find out what it means so that you can pour your whole heart and mind into your prayer, and then teach what you learn to your children. It also helps to be conscious of your body language at Mass. Prayerful posture and meaningful motions help guide your internal disposition during Mass, focusing your attention and reminding you of the significance of each part of the Mass. It may seem awkward at first, especially when it seems that you are the only one doing it, but I have attended Masses where most of the congregation performs these actions, and the result is a Mass that is reverent and meaningful. The motivation for doing any of this, of course, must be our love for God and our desire to enter into worship with our entire being. When our children see that the Mass is a meaningful act of love for us, it will become so for them as well.

That worship must be carried into our everyday lives as well. Besides full, conscious participation at Mass, we must also be engaged in full, active participation within our vocation as laity. The document Lumen Gentium from Vatican II reminded the laity that they have a vocation unique from that of the priesthood or the religious. The role of the laity is to transform the world by living out the Gospel within their secular roles. The material world that used to be considered evil, or at least of lesser value than the religious world, was recognized by Vatican II as the main mission field. Each Christian has a unique role to play in the mission of the Church. Our children need to see us actively and regularly discerning the role God has called us to play and faithfully carrying out our unique vocations. Such discernment requires frequent and fervent prayer. Our prayer should be visible and inviting, motivated by love for God and a deep desire to be united to Him. Living out our vocation requires that we become people of virtue, people who have good moral habits. Our children need to see us doing good readily, cheerfully, and habitually. Of course, if you are going to live your faith and be an active role model for your children, you have to know your faith and teach it. We cannot love or live what we do not know, and without knowledge our children will not know the importance of what we are trying to model for them.

Keep a sharp lookout for Directionless Joe and do everything you can to keep him away from your children. The best defense against him is solid catechesis and good role modeling. If he is spotted, he needs to be confronted directly and immediately run out of town.

Wanted: Enemies of Holiness for Teenagers

Summary: This is the beginning of a series based on my observations as a Catholic school teacher about the struggle of teenaged young adults to become holy. Have you ever wondered why America produces so few saints? Have you ever compared American Catholic teenagers to Protestant teenagers and asked yourself why Protestant teens seem so much more active in their faith than Catholics? Have you ever struggled in the middle of the night with thoughts that you were failing as a parent because your teen seems to be rejecting the faith? I hope that my observations can offer you some pointers to help you create a family atmosphere more likely to nurture holiness in the heart of your teen. While Catholic schools and youth groups can be a great help to parents, only the family can truly counteract the damaging influences of our culture and prepare the soil of the heart for the seed of grace.

In the next few days, I'll present some of the "most wanted" enemies of holiness. If these eneimes show us in your home, secure the heart of your family from intrusion and call on Saint Micahael's Security Service (you know, the archangel) .

Click below to read this log entry:

Who cares about holiness?
I often get sympathetic sighs and pats whenever I tell people that I teach high school morality at a Catholic school. The truth is, however, that I enjoy teaching morality more than any other subject I teach. This class gives me a unique perspective into the teenage life. I watch as they interact with their faith, which many do quite honestly within the classroom. I also watch as they react to the ramifications of the Gospel in their lives. “You mean I have to give us that? You mean that is a sin? You mean I should be doing that?” The unique perspective that I gain watching their reactions and struggles also offers me a singular insight into the difficulties they have in trying to attain holiness.

Holiness. You sure don’t hear that word much these days. Isn’t it an outdated term, a “pre-Vatican II concept?” One would think so, considering the reception the word receives in certain circles, and the small amount of press it receives from the pulpit of most parishes. Perhaps part of the problem is that we do not properly understand holiness. We tend to see it as a sort of impossible pureness, attainable only by those few lucky people known as “saints.” In actuality, holiness is the very goal of every Christian. The primary element of holiness is a relationship with Jesus Christ. A truly intimate relationship with Christ always leads to a desire to conquer sin and perfect charity (the same self-sacrificing love that Jesus showed to us), and the grace to help us do so. Holiness does not happen all at once, and we should not expect immediate perfection from ourselves or from others. It is a struggle and a process. Yet, perfection can be reached in this world, and sometimes is. For the rest of us, God’s grace intervenes and offers us purification in purgatory (another “pre-Vatican II concept?). Is holiness an antiquated ideal banished by Vatican II? Let’s look at what the documents of that esteemed council have to say:

Therefore in the Church, everyone whether belonging to the hierarchy, or being cared for by it, is called to holiness…Thus it is evident to everyone, that all the faithful of Christ of whatever rank or status, are called to the fullness of the Christian life and to the perfection of charity; by this holiness as such a more human manner of living is promoted in this earthly society. In order that the faithful may reach this perfection, they must use their strength accordingly as they have received it, as a gift from Christ. They must follow in His footsteps and conform themselves to His image seeking the will of the Father in all things. They must devote themselves with all their being to the glory of God and the service of their neighbor. In this way, the holiness of the People of God will grow into an abundant harvest of good, as is admirably shown by the life of so many saints in Church history.

The classes and duties of life are many, but holiness is one-that sanctity which is cultivated by all who are moved by the Spirit of God, and who obey the voice of the Father and worship God the Father in spirit and in truth (Lumen Gentium 39-41).

These words should excite us and challenge us. We are called to an internal adventure that has no comparison in the world of extreme sports. The personal perfection offered by so many humanistic self-help books and $500-an-hour psychologists is offered by a God who has the power to make it happen. If you are not yet on the path to holiness, I urge you – and Christ commands you – to take up the challenge. However, this article is not about personal holiness. This article is intended for parents. I would like to share with parents some of my insights about the conditions and influences that stand in the way of holiness in their children. Since I work with adolescents, I will tailor my comments for parents of teenagers, but the advice I give really needs to be implemented throughout childhood. I encourage parents with children of all ages to consider the advice they find in this article. It’s never too late, or too early, to be concerned about your children’s well-being!

Not my child!
Does it surprise you that your child can become holy? Is it not natural for kids to avoid religion during the teenage years? I know the dreams many parents have for their children do not include the perfection of spiritual maturity. We want our children to become great athletes and successful career professionals, usually in that order. After all, there is plenty of time for them to worry about their spiritual lives…after they get old. Anyway, is it not best for teenagers to make decisions about religion free of our influence?

The truth is – the spiritual welfare of your child cannot wait. The habits that lead to spiritual perfection take a lifetime to master. In addition, spiritual maturity leads to true happiness – the ability to suck the marrow out of life, to live the way the Creator made us to live without falling prey to meaningless or empty pursuits. When it comes to our children’s happiness, no parent fails to do all he can, and immediately. As for teenagers making decisions about religion on their own, I notice that the more important a decision is for a child’s future, the less choice parents tend to give the child, and rightfully so. Parents have awareness that teenagers are not yet equipped to make all decisions for themselves. The decision to have a relationship with Jesus Christ is the most important decision anyone can make, bar none. Each person must make that decision for herself, but such a decision does not happen in a vacuum. If a child is not trained in faith and morals, if she does not experience the influence of faith-filled parents and faith-filled people in her life, then the only influence on her decision will be secular influences devoid of God. Parents have a duty to make sure that their children are able to make a decision for Christ with as many tools as possible. Wait a second; is it really a duty? Where did that come from? Well, you had your child baptized, didn’t you?

One of the professors for my masters degree said, “if people really knew what they were getting themselves into when they got their children baptized, they wouldn’t dare.” Infants are baptized in the Catholic Church to show that God’s love and mercy cannot be earned. God always makes the first move. We can deserve grace no more than a helpless infant earned it. Nevertheless, God’s grace does demand a response. For adults, that response usually takes the form of conversion. Since infants are not able to make such a response, the Church makes it for them, especially the parents and the godparents. The response you and the rest of the Church make for your children is the promise to raise them in the faith, giving them the knowledge and experiences that lead them to God so they can choose to have Him in their lives. God rewards our responses to His grace with more grace, but he also holds those who gain much grace to a stricter judgment. “Of he to whom much is given, much is expected.” When we have our children baptized, we are setting them and ourselves up for greater judgment, or for immeasurable gains. No matter how little we like to think about it, final judgment is a reality. However, perhaps it is just as convincing to consider what you and your family are missing if holiness is not your main goal. Holiness really does lead to peace and happiness, in this life and in the next. Who would not want that for his entire family? The rest of this article will look at the six main suspects in the crime of robbing our youth of holiness.